Out of casual curiosity I was flicking through the May issue of Men's Health magazine recently; interested to see whether health magazines targeted at guys are full of the same kind of advocacy of self-loathing and insidious pressure to conform to 'sexy = slim' tropes as women's 'health' magazines are. (To wit, just a couple of the cover stories from two of May's women's health publications: Top Sante, 'Why eating fast could make you fat'; and Women's Health, 'Look hot from behind'.)
So, are they?
Well, no, Men's Health doesn't seem to actively advocate self-loathing, taking a more impartial, educational tack with instructions and practical advice for exercising without any value judgement attached to body shape or individual results.
But disappointingly, just like its female counterparts, yes, Men's Health does encourage and nurture the insidious pressure to conform to the slim = sexy trope. Except the targets of this pressure espoused by the content within are not the male readers, but their female partners.
The following feature written by Kamin Mohammadi uses the conceit of a survey layout, invoking dubious statistics and research findings to support suggestions as to how readers can get their girlfriends to acquiesce to all of their sexual peccadilloes by employing stealth coercion techniques and more overt tactics that will in all likelihood, if practised in real life, scare the shit out of her.
Men, Men’s Health is not your friend! They are the relationship advice equivalent of some guy in his thirties who still lives with his parents and whose main interaction with the opposite sex is online role player gaming.
Here’s why…
Men’s Health says:
‘Tip the scales for better sex.’
Interesting turn of phrase there, ‘tip the scales’, no? There’s definitely an undercurrent of ‘Show her who’s boss!’, throughout this piece. ‘Men, tilt the balance of power in the relationship dynamic in your favour, because women are nagging harridans and men are just pussy whipped pussies who are sick of her having everything her own way and…’, yawn…I’ve bored myself already with the predictability of the script.
Men’s Health says:
Whose libido dictates when you have sex?
Testosterone driven man = higher libido right? Not so. If anything the pace of modern life swings the balance in her favour: a Mumsnet poll found that when women have less time for sex they're more self-centred in bed.
‘A Mumsnet poll’ is the only source evidence given for this spurious statement, so with equally scientific rigour I spent a couple of hours browsing the relationships forum on the Mumsnet website and found posts from women discussing their desire to have more sex as well as from women complaining that their partners wanted sex more often than they did. In all the threads I read I saw nothing to support the argument that the ‘pace of modern life swings in her favour’. In fact in nearly all the threads I read it seemed that when women have less time for sex it’s because they are busy raising children, often working too, and doing the lion’s share of the housework – favourable indeed, lucky them!
Men’s Health says:
RESTORE THE BALANCE
All you need to do is grab a coffee. The same poll also revealed a shortfall in pillow time makes her more likely to experiment so, with a little persuasion, you can even out the kicks. Get her to try things your way by adding a little froth. A study carried out at the University of Queensland in Australia found that caffeine makes us much more open to persuasion. And it's been shown to increase female sex drive. Two lattes to go please.
“Get her to try things your way”? Really? “…caffeine makes us more open to persuasion…”? Gross. So is this what is meant by the ‘pace of modern life swinging in her favour’? The precious little time she has after having worked all day, done the ironing, and fed, washed and put kids to bed, is spent with her partner trying to shove coffee down her throat in an effort to make it even more about him?
Hang on, the phone’s ringing… It’s 1950 on the line *passes phone to Men’s Health*.
Men’s Health says:
Is foreplay focused mainly on her or you?
The most common complaint I hear is 'He doesn't engage in much foreplay' says Dr Diana Wiley from the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy. Yet according to a new survey carried out by lovestruck.com, in 58% of couples it's the woman who receives more attention during foreplay.
Shut up Dr Diana Wiley! What do you and your formal qualifications and the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy know about foreplay anyway? This dating website says you are wrong!
Men’s Health says:
RESTORE THE BALANCE
To make sure some of that is coming back your way, press your whole body against hers; whole body contact intensifies excitement and will turn her on to paying attention to your body. According to Wiley, giving her 17 minutes of foreplay is optimum to ensure that you hit her gratitude levels.
You’ll probably want to warn her you’re intending to pin her to the bed with your whole body weight before you do it otherwise, as soon as she can breathe again, her gratitude will be immediately forthcoming in the form of her running towards the nearest exit. As for 17 minutes, can we not at least round it up to an even 20…?
Men’s Health says:
Whose media tastes influence her expectations?
Carrie Bradshaw has a lot to answer for. 'Women have learned through the media to demand good sex' says Pennant. A study by the university of Michigan found reading women's magazines makes her more ‘sexually assertive'. Translation: more work for you.
GOD FORBID men should ever have to work at seducing a woman. Damn Sex And The City for filling women’s heads with all sorts of nonsense about sexual assertion and female agency. (Although let’s not forget that in the movie, Carrie ends up marrying a man who jilted her at the altar – positive depiction? Possibly not.)
And what about those interfering women’s magazines, twisting ladies' minds with all sorts of feminist shit about how sex should be good…? Well worry not because May’s issue of Cosmopolitan magazine carries the cover story, ‘Men’s sex secrets: Can you handle the truth?’.
See! Silly men, scared that women were only thinking of themselves. As Cosmopolitan says, it’s what men are thinking that’s important!
Men’s Health says:
RESTORE THE BALANCE
Ask her to watch pornography with you, by heading to erikalust.com, which specialises in girl friendly titles. 'The imagery can free couples up to think about what they would like to do', says Pennant.
Never mind whether she’s into porn in the first place. Don’t even bother to check, it’s not important. What’s important is that you get her to do what you want by asking her to watch things you think she ought to watch.
After all, I’m sure it would never had occurred to her to watch porn at all if you hadn’t suggested it!
Men’s Health says:
When you share fantasies, whose get played out more often?
'Dopamine the brain's chemical responsible for arousal needs novelty', says Wiley. Our survey revealed when fantasies are played out, in 68% of cases they're hers not yours.
Ahh, ‘novelty’. Women: be wary of doing too much of what you like and are comfortable with in the bedroom lest this should ever wear off.
Men’s Health says:
RESTORE THE BALANCE
Load up your laptop. If she's unsure about acting out your fantasy explore it through online forums or pornography to bring her round to the idea. Research by psychologist Robert Cialdini found that when people are unsure how to act, they're more likely to follow what they see to be the accepted social norm. God bless the internet.
‘See darling, loads of people are into Hentai tentacle porn, they’re all doing it. What are you worried about, are you frigid or something?’.
God bless the internet? Or, God save men’s print media?
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