Assange Does A Marr?

My debut piece of nonsense for The Shoe Horn here:

Link here.

A super injunction granted to Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has been reproduced in full on his own infamous website.

The court order – gagging press from reporting on a new allegation of sexual impropriety brought by former Big Brother contestant, Imogen Thomas – appeared on the site last night and quickly spread, trending on twitter within minutes of publication.

Sources close to the silver haired secret-pedaller say lawyers fighting Assange’s extradition to Sweden – to answer a separate case of impropriety – applied to the courts ahead of the bank holiday weekend to ask for the gagging order.

The busty, brunette reality-TV-contestant-turned-underwear-model claims she had sex with Assange under duress from PR guru, Max Clifford, who represents both Assange and Thomas.

Courts were minded to grant the super injunction after deciding that the defence of public interest did not apply, given that there has long since ceased to be any public interest in former Big Brother contestants.

Assange pauses briefly outside Belmarsh magistrates to do a freakishly good impersonation of Mr Humphries from popular BBC sitcom Are You Being Served?
It’s unclear whether the document was published by Assange himself or whether its appearance on the site is an act of malicious mischief by another source, but the timing of its surfacing is suspicious.

Fellow super injunctee, Andrew Marr, has seen his popularity and man points sky-rocket in recent days since he admitted he’d managed to pull someone slutty enough to want to sell a story on him.

“Journalists, especially political ones, are such a dull, ugly bunch,” said a friend of the lady-killer.

“What with the Guardian winning that press award for its Wikileaks scoop and the US being too busy violating Bradley Manning’s human rights to bother with fabricating any more rape charges, Julian was getting a little worried that the Assange brand was losing its sex appeal.”

Assange, whose name is a variation on the French word for ‘monkey’, could not be reached for comment at the time of writing as he is currently covering the royal honeymoon, the location of which is, unsurprisingly, a secret.