Let the sun go down on Twilight

Hungover and in need of some mindless chewing gum for our barely functioning brains, a friend and I went to see the new Twilight movie yesterday.

What a load of rubbish. I mean, I expected it to be crap, I even kind of wanted it to be a bit crap, but not quite that crap. In fact it was so crap I nearly walked out. But the cinema was warm and comfy and dark, which was helping my headache. Plus I had a box of popcorn to finish.

So instead I stayed and endured a vaguely unsettling and disturbing two hours of WTF. And it wasn't the supernatural stuff that was freaking me out.

Oh, where to begin with what was wrong with that film? The unhealthy conflation of co-dependency with intimacy? The emotional manipulation? The slut shaming? The sexual mind games...? I genuinely worry for the next generation of women buying into this shit as teenagers. When I was a kid, the glass ceiling might still have been double glazed, but at least all that was vexing my nascent feminist principles was whether Sandy oughtn't to have just told Danny to shove it up his arse, and stuck with the bobby socks.

Anyway. Let me try and break down what pissed me off so much about this film...

1. Edward randomly appearing in Bella's bedroom whenever he feels like it. Jesus Christ can she not just get five minutes of goddamn privacy!? Poor girl can't even have a poo or change a tampon without Undead Ed teleporting into her face like, 'don't worry Bella, I'm here'. And the worst thing is, she thinks she needs him. Case in point: there's this bit in the film where she's asleep and obviously having a dream so he wakes her up to ask her what it was about! Mind rapey.

2. The night before their wedding Edward tells Bella he killed a whole bunch of people a while back. But it's okay, because they were murderers, so they deserved it. How Republican of him. And don't you think maybe he could have mentioned that earlier? It's not really the kind of thing you forget to tell someone while you're 'baring your soul' to them is it? Which is what Edward maintains he's only able to do with Bella. It's like, what else has slipped his mind during their heart to hearts? After the 'I dos' is he going to turn around and be all, 'oh yeah, I like to touch kids too. Sorry, should have told you earlier.'

3. The honeymoon sex. Okay, so this is where it gets really icky. Because Edward's a vampire, and vampires are all about sex and death, it's impossible for him to sleep with Bella as a mortal and not be violent, to the point where (it's pointed out earlier on in the film) he might kill her. Gross, right? So on their first night as a married couple he takes her virginity, breaking the bed in the process, and the next morning the audience is treated to the sight of Bella covered in bruises. Nifty plot device having her be a virgin when he's not, by the way. It buys into so much slut-shaming (which the Americans love) and notions of marriage as proprietorial over women's sexuality. Not to mention the fact that if Bella had had a bit of experience herself, she'd know that it is NOT FUCKING OKAY if someone beats you up while they're having sex with you. Sure, Edward's a supernatural character and 'can't help it', but how does that translate into real life for young girls who are starting to have semi-sexual relationships themselves? Shudder.

3b. So, the day after they've first slept together Edward sees the injuries he's inflicted on Bella and apologises profusely, asking her to forgive him (ummm, echoes of domestic violence, anyone?) As a result he refuses to have sex with her for the rest of the honeymoon. Which segueways into a really creepy montage of Bella posturing in ever-skimpier outfits, trying to seduce Edward. This culminates in a totally fucked up power play scenario whereby Bella, so starved of intimacy, ends up literally begging Edward to have sex with her. So it's like, he sleeps with her, injures her, withdraws all intimacy until she's begging him for affection, and then he relents and sleeps with her again; the inference being if he hurts her again, she's 'asked for it'. Nice.

4. When Bella finds out she's pregnant, Edward acts like it's a huge catastrophe (which I guess it kind of is when you consider she might be carrying a demon) (can't believe I just typed that sentence). But the general attitude towards Bella is 'this is all your fault you stupid, fertile, human. Now you're going to fuck things up for everyone by insisting on keeping this devil child. I'm going to call my dad and get him to sort it out.' Then Edward basically doesn't talk to Bella for the next third of the film. Except to say stuff like 'if having this baby kills you, then you've chosen to leave me. I haven't chosen that.' Woah, dude, newsflash - she can leave you whenever she wants. In fact, you're so clingy I can kind of understand why she's seriously considering death as her only way out.

5. This is a kind of an aside to the main point of the Bella/Edward relationship being totally messed up on just about every level. But early on in the film, Jacob's talking with other people in his pack (they're humans who can turn into wolves, okay?) about his longing to 'imprint' on someone. Then, for the audience's benefit and by way of illustration of what having imprinted on someone looks like, we're shown a whole bunch of couples (other pack members) snuggling on the beach like lovers. Cut to the birth of Edward and Bella's daughter (who's called Renesmee by the way. Say it. Is there any more ridiculous word? They kept saying it in the film until it was like, 'please stop saying Renesmee, it's so dumb') and Jacob, seeing the new baby girl 'imprints' on her. Isn't that weird? We'd all been lead to believe that 'imprinting' was wolf euphemism for mating for life. And now here's this guy in his late teens imprinting on a baby. Weirdddddd.



After having typed all that I feel like I've taken crazy pills. But there's a genuine concern here. Obviously vampires and demon babies and people who turn into wolves is fiction. But the Edward/Bella love story, has a universal resonance. Teenage girls are inevitably going to use it to inform their ideas about love and relationships, and they don't have the maturity or experience to know that this is actually a very subtly sado-masochistic fantasy, constructed to support a narrative about the occult. And not how 'real love' should be.

In fact research done by the NSPCC in 2010 suggested a quarter of girls aged 13 to 17 had experienced physical violence from a boyfriend and a third had been pressured into sexual acts they did not want. This is a demographic which is extremely vulnerable.

I've been a teenage girl. I've cried real, devastated tears upon finding out popstars and film stars I'd never meet were married or had girlfriends. The strength of a teenage girl's emotions and capacity for fantasy relationships and love affairs is not to be underestimated. So it's not outlandish to think there there'll be girls who'll read the Twilight books or see the films and think that if a guy wants to know your every move and thought, that's love. And if he rejects you because he 'doesn't want to hurt you', that's love. And if he makes you feel bad about you making autonomous decisions about your own body, it's because he really cares.

When in fact any of those behaviours needs to be filed under 'mind games' instantly before relegating the perpetrator to the annals of history as fast as possible.

I can feel you all rolling your eyes now like 'it's just a film, chill out'. And it's true. All this wouldn't be so bad if there was something else to balance it out. But there's not. This is the kind of insidious shit that's sold to the future women of the world. A helpless virgin who ends up having the life blood (literally) sucked out of her by some controlling guy in the name of true, eternal love.

And that is so depressing.

Time to turn the Twilight switch off I think.

Season's greetings.

I wrote another thingamablog for The Writer about all these odd Christmas greetings I've been seeing everywhere.

It's up on their site now.


Now that the Coca Cola ad’s aired, the red cups are here, and the sponsored lights have been switched on, we can safely say the countdown has begun. But alongside these usual festive brand traditions, this year has seen the (immaculate?) birth of a new and strange trend in the shape of The Nonsensical Christmas Strapline.

Brands normally known for being good at writing seem to have been gripped by yuletide mind fever as soon as the fairy lights went up.

Take Gap’s greeting, ‘Joy It Up’. I know verbing nouns was pretty, like, street a few years ago, but is outdated festive yoof speak really what Gap’s all about? I feel like I need a little bit of context to frame this odd instruction apart from just the fact that it’s Christmas init?

There’s another bit of noun verbing here in Starbucks’ equally surreal incitement, ‘Let’s Merry’. Do you think maybe they were inspired by this traditional ballad from the time of Charles II? (Thanks Google.)

Now, since we’re met, let’s merry, merry be,
In spite of all our foes;
And he that will not merry be,
We’ll pull him by the nose.

Except that small but all important auxiliary ‘be’ is missing there at the end. Without which, it makes no sense. Who knows? Perhaps it’ll be clearer after another venti egg nog.

Sticking with coffee, and Costa’s comparatively boring effort, ‘Merry Costa’. Which is still nonsensical but at least we can see what they’re trying to do.

But am I being a bit bah humbug? How much does comprehension really matter when it comes to seasonal greetings? The season of goodwill is all about sentiment, not sense, right?

Now that we’re in full festive swing perhaps some other brands will take up the gobbledegook baton and it’ll start to get really weird. Let the silliness commence.

Merry Christmas.

Pointless female characters in films

Every now and again I'll watch a film and notice a niggling feeling of irritation buzzing in the back of my brain, like a fly trapped in double glazing.

And the source of this irritation? The Pointless Female Character.

The PFC is a role shoehorned into a film for no other purpose than to give some substance to one of the other more prominent characters. Or to simply provide some sexy time. Usually completely unnecessarily.

Let's look at some of the worst offenders.


The wives in The Hangover(s)
Let's be honest. The only reason the male characters in The Hangover have wives and girlfriends is to to make sure everyone knows they're not gay, right?

The writers could just as easily have had all the guys celebrating a birthday or something. But then, they needed to construct a scenario where a group of men would be partying together, without women, yet with absolutely no ambiguity about their sexuality.

Does Bradley Cooper's character's wife even speak? Why does he need a wife? His marital status has no bearing on the plot whatsoever.

But in Hollywood it is NOT ON to leave a male lead's sexuality up for interpretation, even by simply omitting to give him a love interest.

So, The Hangover's writers wheeled out the trusty badges of heterosexuality that are the WAGs. Just to be on the safe side. Shame they don't say or do anything.

Tellingly, the only male of the group without a girlfriend is Zac Galifianakis' character, whom the writers have portrayed as a manchild with autism who lives with his parents. Way to be balanced.

Would you notice if they weren't in the film? The groom with the Mike Tyson face tattoo might just as well be marrying a Topshop mannequin. So, no.

What's the tenuous message? If you don't have a girlfriend you *might* be gay. And that is too dangerous a risk for the box office.



David Frost's girlfriend in Frost/Nixon
It's VERY IMPORTANT that you understand: David Frost was a playboy, okay?

Why is that important? I don't know, because the whole film is about him trying to get an interview with Richard Nixon and then actually interviewing Richard Nixon. How Frost's swordsmanship is relevant in any way to this story arc is presumably known only to the studio, who would have insisted on some bedroom action because ANY FILM WITHOUT SEX IS UNWATCHABLE. Even if it's a film about a journalist interviewing a president.

And what does Frost's love interest even do? Her character is so insignificant they haven't even bothered to give her a back story. One moment she's inexplicably sitting in first class on a flight to LA. The next, she's permanently shacked up with Frost in a hotel ordering him cheeseburgers. I wish my employers would be that understanding.

Would you notice if they weren't in the film? You barely even notice that she's IN the film.

What's the tenuous message? That the biggest political scoop of the 20th century is just one massive yawnsville unless someone's demonstrably getting laid.



Pretty much every Bond girl ever
I mean, for the most part you just have to look at the dated misogyny in the older Bond movies as an unfortunate side-effect of the era. Like flares, or moustaches. But it's especially disappointing to see the Pointless Female Character still appearing in the more recent films.

Take Gemma Arterton's Strawberry Fields in Quantum of Solace. She's literally only in it so that we can all see James getting a shag. You see, it's important to know that James can COMMAND poon the way Simon Cowell commands ratings otherwise how are we supposed to believe in his skill, cunning and heroics?

Bond undermines Fields for his own amusement and then draws the VIP-invite-to-despot's-mansion-party card and suddenly it's knickers to the floor.

Two acts later, she's dead.

Did we really need to see Bond coercing a colleague into sex after humiliating her just so he can accessorise his party tuxedo with a vagina?

I reckon the audience would've managed to follow the plot without that unpleasant diversion.

Would you notice if they weren't in the film? No

What's the tenuous message? Women = stupid and horny. Bond = minge whisperer.



Natalie Portman's mate in Thor
What is the point of her? Seriously. Is she just there so it's not weird that Portman's character has no mates and only hangs out with some older guy in that observatory?

Okay, I fell asleep during the middle so maybe she was significant in some way that I missed. But the parts I was awake for left me none the wiser as to what she was supposed to be doing there. Even Portman and that other guy's characters looked like they were all, 'seriously, who are you?'

Would you notice if they weren't in the film? No.

What's the tenuous message? If it was just Natalie Portman and her boss in that lab then the OBVIOUS inference would be that they were getting it on, even though it would be pushing the May to December envelope. Plus, old guy would be cuckolded by the mighty Thor and be rendered a sympathy figure for the audience, which would detract from the main point of the film - ie the otherworldy HOTNESS of the Thor/Portman pairing. An unthreateningly unattractive female sidekick is the perfect counterpoint to the dynamic.



So, to sum up. The Pointless Female Character does four things:

1. Proves that male leads aren't gay.
2. Sexualises non-sexy narrative.
3. Serves as a foil for the masculinity = misogyny trope.
4. De-sexualises an already non-romantic scenario in case there's any way it might be interpreted as romantic by stupid people.

The PFC - not that pointless after all? Or just a lazy device used by cowed writers at the behest of bullying studios?

Not sure. But if she disappeared for good, I wouldn't miss her.

Words endure

Forgot to say, I wrote this thingamablog for The Writer the other week. It's about words and phrases still in use today, which have origins in Shakespeare's time.

Check it out


Over the last ten years our language has had to evolve more quickly than it’s ever had to before. As fast as people can invent those increasingly shiny and clever things everyone wants, we have to invent ever more bizarre words to describe them. Emails, iPods, blogs, tweets, instagrams, JPEGs, megapixels, Facebook. All nonsense. But all universally understood.

Blackberries and oranges are no longer just fruit. And an iPad is not something you wear after laser treatment for short-sightedness.

The English language is changing so quickly that even ‘new’ words and phrases are embarrassingly out of date within just a few years. Who even says ‘the World Wide Web’ anymore? Your gran, probably. And remember ‘minidiscs’? No? Me either.

So as I was ‘surfing’ the ‘information super highway’ I was heartened to stumble across this list of words and expressions, first published in 1699, from the Dictionary of the Canting Crew. They’ve survived the test of time and we still use them as much today as they did in Shakespeare’s time.

Oddly, the words that make up the definitions are so old fashioned that they themselves are almost obsolete. Although I think ‘underdrudge’ is surely due a resurrection.

Here are a few of my favourites.

(I especially like the random capitalisation and the definition for ‘Higgledy-piggledy’.)

Bacon, as he sav’d his Bacon – he has escaped with a whole Skin.
Bandy-legg’d – crooked.
Banter - a pleasant way of pratling which seems in earnest but is in jest, a sort of ridicule.
Bay windows – embowed, as of old, standing out from the rest of the Building.
Beside himself – distracted.
Birds of a feather – Rogues of the same gang, also those of the same Profession, Trade or Employment.
To kill two birds with one stone – to dispatch two Businesses at one Stroke.
Bite the biter – to Rob the Rogue or Cheat the Cheater.
Black and white – in writing.
Blind-mans-buff – a play us’d by Children blind-folded.
Blow hot and cold – play fast and loose.
Bode-ill – to presage or betoken ill.
Brow-beat – to Cow, to Daunt, to awe with Big looks, or snub.
Busy-bodies – Pryers into other Folks Concerns, such as thrust their Sickle in another’s Harvest.
He knows which side his Bread is butter’d – in his own interest.
Carrots – Red Haired people.
A Man of character – of Mark or Note.
Chare-woman – Underdrudges or Taskers, assistants to Servantmaids.
How cheap you make yourself – how Contemptible you render your self or undervalue your self.
Cheer up – be of good courage, keep up the spirits.
Chip off the old block – a Son that is his Father’s likeness, more particularly the Son of a Cooper.
Close-confident – a trusty Bosom friend.
Coals to Newcastle – when the Drawer carries away any Wine in the Pot or Bottle.
In cold blood – when the heat of war or Passion is over.
Cross-patch – a Peevish forward Person.
Not cut out for it – not turned for it.
Every dog will have his day – none so wretched as has his good Planet.
Egg one on – to prick him on, or to provoke or stir him up.
Eves-dropper – one that skulks, lurks or lies under his Neighbor’s Window or Door.
Gad up and down – to Fidle and Fisk, to run a gossiping.
A gust of wind – a short sudden furious blast.
Higgledy-piggledy – all together, as Hoggs and Piggs lie Nose in Arse.
Hold his nose to the grindstone – to keep him Under.
To nip in the bud – to crush anything at the beginning.
Out-at-heels – in a declining condition.
Pay through the nose – Excessively or with Extortion.
From pillar to post – from Constable to Constable.
To smell a rat – to suspect a Trick.
Give him enough rope and he’ll Hang himself – he’ll Decoy himself within his own Destiny.
Troll-about – saunter, loiter, wander about.
Wet your whistle – to Liquor your Throat.

(From shakespearesengland.com)

Bestival 2011, baby!

So I went to Bestival to cover it for Don't Panic. No big deal*.

Read about it all here

Bestival

Or below...

xx



*It was totally an awesome big deal.


Pics by Elliot Bland.



Saving the best for last, Don’t Panic saw out the close of the festival season at Bestival. We got ourselves on that ferry, braved the wind and rain and lived it up with some of the best bands and musicians on tour this festival season. We stuck two fingers up to the rain and threw on some silly hats, to wrap the party up in style.


Tributes to Winehouse and Mercury, ready to party

And there were some fascinating interpretations of the word ‘style’ in evidence over the weekend. Apart from being Rob Da Bank’s baby, and boasting some of the most diverse and exciting line ups of any European festival, Bestival is most famous for being the biggest fancy dress party ever. Faithfully adhering to the Rockstars, Popstars and Divas theme, there were Lady Gagas and meat dresses a-plenty.

Freddy Mercury’s drag incarnation from ‘I Want To Break Free’ was also a popular costume choice, vacuum cleaner included; as were sartorial tributes to the peerless Amy Winehouse. Going slightly off brief (literally and figuratively) was a baffling abundance of Bubbles De Vere-esque naked suits, recalling nylon tights stuffed with the wood shavings from the bottom of hamster cages. Some things you just can’t un-see.

Dry The River

But on to the music! We were lucky to have Right Guard helping us to get up close and personal with the most exciting new acts at the festival. Not only by keeping us fragrant and pleasant to be around despite the mud and the grime, but also by hosting their exclusive Off Guard gigs out of the back of their camper van which has been the stage for some of the most intimate sets at this summer’s festivals up and down the country. Dry The River’s acoustic set, with their classically trained folk-rock punk grunginess, took us back to our student days and a time of roll ups and cups of tea. A time when your mates’ bedroom gigs were cheaper than going out. And often better.


Kelis on the Main Stage

Grime MC and rapper Wretch 32 showed his sensitive side with a heartfelt rendition of his hit 'Don’t Go'. The Best Line in a Song Ever has to go to his breakthrough tune, though: "My lifestyle’s terribly wild/ You’ll never catch me on the Jeremy Kyle show", had the 2am Bestival crowd singing along during his performance of ‘Traktor’, as they partied oblivious to the rain and wind battering the site.There was some heavyweight hip hop royalty present over the weekend too, with appearances from Grandmaster Flash and the incomparable Public Enemy. Member Chuck D had some old school lessons for those flash mavericks Kanye and Jay Z, reminding them to keep it real and suggesting they change the record once in a while. When you’re skint in a recession, maybe no one wants to hear about your Bentleys, boys (we’ve all got 99 problems and being rich ain’t one).

As Kelis was getting everybody hot under the collar over at the main stage –“I’m not here to entertain you, I’m here to pleasure myself” - the much more innocent Frankie and the Heartstrings were sweetly serenading those over at the Right Guard van with their acoustic version of their track ‘Hunger’.

Magnetic Man

Dubstep quartet Magnetic Man argued amongst themselves about whether Bestival is the best festival in Europe or just the UK, talked about taking over the airwaves and the world via their Radio One Hijack and lamented how their album could have been even bigger if it weren’t for that pesky Robbie Williams and Cliff Richard.

And popping their Isle of Wight cherries in the back of Right Guard’s van were Los Campesinos! who told how their latest album was inspired by the heartbreak of being dumped. What with the oversharing, the intimate sets, the necessary proximity in the confined space of the van, and the end of summer, it’s been emotional. Thanks Bestival, see you next year. We’re off to stuff some nylon tights…


Mr Motivator (don't ask)

If you want to see more of Right Guard’s Off Guard at Bestival gigs, go to their Facebook page or follow them on Twitter.

New John B bio

Woot! This was a fun job. Electro drum and bass superstarrrrr John B asked me to write him a new bio and I was delighted to oblige.

Check it out on his site here:

John-B.com

Relentless Energy Drink Boardmasters Festival

My review of the recent Boardmasters event at Newquay is up on Don't Panic here's the link.



Or read it here now.

(Pics by the very gorgeous Elliot Bland)




At the end of a heavy week which saw most of the country’s biggest cities in flames, it was nice to see thousands of young people organise themselves in one place, not to do over a JD Sports, but to have fun. And there was lots of it to be had at Boardmasters. We found ourselves in the beautiful English countryside of Cornwall where the holiday town Newquay hosted the Relentless Energy Drink Boardmasters surf and skate festival, for a few days of riotous revelry of a different variety.



First up were the Stereo MCs on the main stage. They’d wisely ditched the double denim look that defined their 90s heyday and had likewise eschewed their old electronic dance sound for a rockier, soul infused set. They sounded brilliant, with Rob Birch suited and booted on lead guitar. The size and enthusiasm of the crowd was a testament to their enduring ability to connect with the audience (sorry, couldn’t resist).


Stereo MCs

Then it was over to the Relentless Energy Drink stage to check out the ethereal and complex German artist, I Am Harlequin. For someone who’s only been performing in public since February, she really owned the stage and gave a fantastic, prepossessed performance.

Also a producer, composer, lyricist, screenwriter, remixer, Anne Freier’s biggest project right now is her incarnation as I Am Harlequin. Post-show she said that she’d spent about a year and a half writing and developing what she called, with fierce German efficiency, ‘the product’, before tailoring her band around her songs, fitting perfectly with her creative vision. If ever there was someone who knows exactly what she wants and how to make it happen, it’s I Am Harlequin.


I am Harlequin - The King's Daughter

Another lovely surprise from the Relentless Energy Drink stage was the esoterically titled The Violet May. As a guitar band from Sheffield, it was tempting to just write them off as another Arctic Monkeys indie soundalike. But no. Their sound is like nothing else around at the moment. Being almost a bit punk with some Jeff Beck references thrown in there alongside a bit of The Clash, The The and any other dirty, Jack Daniels-for-breakfast rock band where you actually get proper guitar solos. Massive, noisy and very nice.


The Violet May

There’s always a good time to listen to dubstep and there was no better time or place than 7.30pm in a Cornish field as the sun was going down. Sub Focus took to the main stage and kicked everyone’s evening off with some bowel-trembling bass music, sprinkled with some of the biggest tracks from his most recent album. After his set he mentioned some ‘very exciting news’ that you’re not allowed to know about just yet. His rising star is about to become a sun. Or something. That metaphor sucks. Watch this space though.


Crowd enjoying Sub Focus

So onto the surf competition that provided the backdrop for all this revelry. By Saturday night the competition had already been won, with France’s Romaine Cloitre taking the Relentless Energy Drink Boardmasters title for surfing. Antoine Delpero continued France’s winning streak alongside California’s Jennifer Smith, with each of them taking the men’s and women’s ASP Tuaca Longboard Pro 2011 titles respectively.


Surfer dude

The campfire sing song was lead by the hugely energetic Lethal Bizzle, who gave up on the mic during ‘Police On My Back’ and let the hyped-up crowd take over the lyrics for a bit. A topical choice, I guess. And providing the heat with which to toast the marshmallows of everyone’s hearts and bring the festival to a close was an exemplary set from the mysterious Jaguar Skills. He brought the festival to the close, scratching, remixing, editing and chopping between Snoop Dogg, Kaiser Chiefs, Pendulum, House of Pain and Other Great Crowd Favourites.


Lethal Bizzle chillng out

Then it was back to the tent to invite the lapping tide of sleep to wash over us. Except sleep never came. Because we’d all had too much energy drink.



Thanks to Relentless Energy Drink at Boardmasters and Radiator PR for a great weekend in Newquay. See you all next year.

Smile and wave

Very excited to be covering this festival in a couple of week's time for Don't Panic. Here's a 'lil preview I wrote about what you can look forward to. Or miss out on. Depending on whether you're going or not.

Here's the link to Don't Panic's site.

Oh we do all love to be beside the seaside don’t we? Fish and chips, ice creams, donkey rides… and The Biggest Surf, Skate and Music Festival in the UK.

Those hyperactive board bunnies over at Relentless Energy Drink have teamed up with Vans to bring you Relentless Energy Boardmasters - a four day long event of sun, sea, and surfing alongside a huge line up of artists that reads like a very naughty postcard indeed.

Newquay is where it will all be kicking off down in Cornwall this August. From the 10th to the 14th, Relentless Energy Drink is taking over gorgeous Fistral Beach and Watergate Bay and keeping everyone up all night. The legendary Fatboy Slim is headlining, and joining him will be the aptly named Jaguar Skills; everyone’s favourite connectors, the Stereo MCs; and the maybe infinitive-splitting but definitely excellent, DJ Yoda.

Once you’ve wrestled yourself out of your wetsuit, you might also want to head on over to the Relentless Energy Drink stage where you can shake the sand out of bits you didn’t even know you had to the cleverly stupid art punk outfit, Art Brut, and the super high-energy nine piece of Gentleman’s Dub Club; as well as others including The Violet May, Urban Knights, and The Skints.

Whether you’re into skating, surfing, and BMX, or even if you just like listening to nice tunes in skimpy swimwear; head on down, the surf’s up.

If you’re not into any of those things then you must be dead inside and not even a high sugar, caffeinated fizzy drink can help you.

See you on the beach.

We demand cake and fine wine!

My interview with Richard E Grant is up on Don't Panic's site now:


Here's the link to the article on Don't Panic's site.


“We demand the finest wines available to humanity!” That must surely sound familiar, even to those with only the shallowest interest in cinema.

The excellent and seminal Withnail & I spawned not only the biggest quote-off amongst students up and down the country for the past two decades, but also the career of the sublime Richard E Grant, who this week will be announcing his involvement in a competition sponsored by British Airways to find the next rising star in British film-making. Ironically, he’s actually allergic to alcohol.

The winning entrant will develop their script under Grant’s tutelage and produce a short film, which will then be shown on board all BA long haul flights and, thrillingly, at the Olympic Games opening ceremony; offering a combined audience of, oh, only most of the world.

On the day of this interview Richard E Grant is in a serious mood, yet despite having spent all morning in a windowless meeting room on what will be the hottest day of the year so far, there is still a sense of mischief about him.

“There’s somebody whistling in the background, can you just ask them to shut up?” interrupts Grant. Someone is quickly despatched to find the offending whistler and put a cork in them.

“I hate whistling. Stop fucking whistling. Jesus Christ! Is there anything more naff than whistling? Winking and whistling are the two things I could take a machete to,” he says completely straight-faced but with twinkling blue eyes betraying an appetite for Withnail-ish maniacal absurdity.

“Anyway,” Grant resumes, “we’ve gone off piste.”

Over a quarter of a century ago Daniel Day Lewis turned down the part of Withnail to work on The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Richard E Grant was cast in his place. What followed that serendipitous turn of events has been a career spanning three decades during which time Grant has been actor, writer, director and producer.

“I’ve got enough experience and know what not to do as much as anything so hopefully I’ll be able to help somebody through that process. Writing and directing my own film and having gone through the 26 drafts I know that you’ve got to be open to other peoples’ input and accommodate work around that. Hopefully I’ll be able to help. That’s the theory.”

So apart from absence of whistling and winking, what will he be looking for in the potential winning script?

“Something that’s original and extraordinary and hopefully brilliant,” is his reply. “You usually know within 5 to 10 pages whether something’s going to hold your attention or not. The advantage of a short script is that you’ve got to be very clear and precise about what you’re doing. Whereas over 100 pages of script – 100 minutes of screen time – it’s a bigger opportunity for people to waffle on or get lost”.

Grant likens scripts to online dating, “I know people who have been on internet dates, they meet somebody and see them across the room and think ‘Oh God no’; it’s pretty similar with a script, you make a decision very, very fast. And it may be entirely inaccurate but you go on your instinct. I’m always struck by the fact that you make big decisions about where you’re going to live or if you fall in love with somebody, that may involve a whole lifetime or all the money that you’ve never had; you make those decisions much more quickly than you would decide what book you’re going to buy from Waterstone’s for example.”

Instinct and fortune are valuable ingredients in the recipe for success, equal to talent and good old hard graft. But the first knack to master is spotting the right opportunities in the first place.

“I know that in my case if Daniel Day Lewis had done Withnail & I 26 years ago I wouldn’t be sitting here now,” says Grant.

“But it’s given me almost every job I’ve had subsequently, as a result of that so I’m indebted to it.”

”Whether you’re successful or not has always been luck of the draw as much as perseverance and ambition. And everybody knows really talented people who just haven’t had the break. So I think that the opportunity to mentor somebody on this programme and give them a platform such as being shown on BA flights and at the Olympic ceremony is an unbelievable opportunity; that in the midst of the recession there’s something like this. There’s always an opportunity somewhere, it’s just finding what it is.”

“Hopefully the short film that somebody makes for this programme will be the one lucky break and lead them onto much bigger things. And hopefully employ me in the future. Yes! Mentor somebody and think ‘Now that I’ve helped you; reciprocate’. It’s the long game, the big picture! Why not?”

In the run up to the London 2012 Games, British Airways is offering career defining opportunities to three talented Brits in the fields of food, film and art, with mentoring from Heston Blumenthal, Richard E Grant and Tracey Emin. For entry details, visit ba.com/greatbritons

More Shoe Horn Nonsense

Link here.

With Osama Bin Laden’s body still warm, and his media profile hotter than ever, a bidding war has broken out between OK! magazine and Wikileaks for the rights to publish the first exclusive pictures of his bullet mangled corpse.

Between them, the two media leviathans have been first to get in on exclusive snaps from the likes of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones’ wedding, images from a bombing raid killing Iraqi civilians and children, and many of Jordan’s before and after surgery results.

In its desperation to nail the scoop of the year, seasoned rag, OK!, is using increasingly aggressive tactics to secure exclusive rights to the bearded weirdo’s posthumous pics to prevent ‘new kid on the block’, Wikileaks, getting there first.

Owner, Richard Desmond, has been courting Obama and White House officials, reportedly sending signed copies of Katie Price’s seventh volume of her autobiography as a sweetner.

OK! Magazine's Richard Desmond claims Osama has gone from the most wanted list to the A-list
“He was America’s most wanted man when he was alive, but now the whole world wants a piece of him,” said Desmond of Bin Laden’s surging popularity.

“To have an Osama cover would be a dream scoop for OK!. It would shift more copies than the Brangelina twins or Kerry Katona on a fun-run.”

Hot on OK!’s heels, however, is Wikileaks editor, Julian Assange:

“The biggest question that’s on everyone’s lips is: who was he wearing when he died? If it was Alexander McQueen, that is going to blow everyone’s minds…if you’ll pardon the pun.”

Author Andrew Morton, who penned the best-selling biography of Diana, Princess of Wales, is already said to be in talks with Desmond and Assange about a potential publishing deal for his unauthorised biography of the enigmatic aeronautical enthusiast. The hope being that it will hit shelves before Katie Price can find the body – now believed to be 150km out in the Arabian Sea – and marry it.

Assange Does A Marr?

My debut piece of nonsense for The Shoe Horn here:

Link here.

A super injunction granted to Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has been reproduced in full on his own infamous website.

The court order – gagging press from reporting on a new allegation of sexual impropriety brought by former Big Brother contestant, Imogen Thomas – appeared on the site last night and quickly spread, trending on twitter within minutes of publication.

Sources close to the silver haired secret-pedaller say lawyers fighting Assange’s extradition to Sweden – to answer a separate case of impropriety – applied to the courts ahead of the bank holiday weekend to ask for the gagging order.

The busty, brunette reality-TV-contestant-turned-underwear-model claims she had sex with Assange under duress from PR guru, Max Clifford, who represents both Assange and Thomas.

Courts were minded to grant the super injunction after deciding that the defence of public interest did not apply, given that there has long since ceased to be any public interest in former Big Brother contestants.

Assange pauses briefly outside Belmarsh magistrates to do a freakishly good impersonation of Mr Humphries from popular BBC sitcom Are You Being Served?
It’s unclear whether the document was published by Assange himself or whether its appearance on the site is an act of malicious mischief by another source, but the timing of its surfacing is suspicious.

Fellow super injunctee, Andrew Marr, has seen his popularity and man points sky-rocket in recent days since he admitted he’d managed to pull someone slutty enough to want to sell a story on him.

“Journalists, especially political ones, are such a dull, ugly bunch,” said a friend of the lady-killer.

“What with the Guardian winning that press award for its Wikileaks scoop and the US being too busy violating Bradley Manning’s human rights to bother with fabricating any more rape charges, Julian was getting a little worried that the Assange brand was losing its sex appeal.”

Assange, whose name is a variation on the French word for ‘monkey’, could not be reached for comment at the time of writing as he is currently covering the royal honeymoon, the location of which is, unsurprisingly, a secret.

Thanks, Men's Health. Now you can be selfish AND rapey!

Out of casual curiosity I was flicking through the May issue of Men's Health magazine recently; interested to see whether health magazines targeted at guys are full of the same kind of advocacy of self-loathing and insidious pressure to conform to 'sexy = slim' tropes as women's 'health' magazines are. (To wit, just a couple of the cover stories from two of May's women's health publications: Top Sante, 'Why eating fast could make you fat'; and Women's Health, 'Look hot from behind'.)

So, are they?

Well, no, Men's Health doesn't seem to actively advocate self-loathing, taking a more impartial, educational tack with instructions and practical advice for exercising without any value judgement attached to body shape or individual results.

But disappointingly, just like its female counterparts, yes, Men's Health does encourage and nurture the insidious pressure to conform to the slim = sexy trope. Except the targets of this pressure espoused by the content within are not the male readers, but their female partners.

The following feature written by Kamin Mohammadi uses the conceit of a survey layout, invoking dubious statistics and research findings to support suggestions as to how readers can get their girlfriends to acquiesce to all of their sexual peccadilloes by employing stealth coercion techniques and more overt tactics that will in all likelihood, if practised in real life, scare the shit out of her.

Men, Men’s Health is not your friend! They are the relationship advice equivalent of some guy in his thirties who still lives with his parents and whose main interaction with the opposite sex is online role player gaming.

Here’s why…


Men’s Health says:
‘Tip the scales for better sex.’

Interesting turn of phrase there, ‘tip the scales’, no? There’s definitely an undercurrent of ‘Show her who’s boss!’, throughout this piece. ‘Men, tilt the balance of power in the relationship dynamic in your favour, because women are nagging harridans and men are just pussy whipped pussies who are sick of her having everything her own way and…’, yawn…I’ve bored myself already with the predictability of the script.


Men’s Health says:
Whose libido dictates when you have sex?

Testosterone driven man = higher libido right? Not so. If anything the pace of modern life swings the balance in her favour: a Mumsnet poll found that when women have less time for sex they're more self-centred in bed.

‘A Mumsnet poll’ is the only source evidence given for this spurious statement, so with equally scientific rigour I spent a couple of hours browsing the relationships forum on the Mumsnet website and found posts from women discussing their desire to have more sex as well as from women complaining that their partners wanted sex more often than they did. In all the threads I read I saw nothing to support the argument that the ‘pace of modern life swings in her favour’. In fact in nearly all the threads I read it seemed that when women have less time for sex it’s because they are busy raising children, often working too, and doing the lion’s share of the housework – favourable indeed, lucky them!

Men’s Health says:
RESTORE THE BALANCE
All you need to do is grab a coffee. The same poll also revealed a shortfall in pillow time makes her more likely to experiment so, with a little persuasion, you can even out the kicks. Get her to try things your way by adding a little froth. A study carried out at the University of Queensland in Australia found that caffeine makes us much more open to persuasion. And it's been shown to increase female sex drive. Two lattes to go please.

“Get her to try things your way”? Really? “…caffeine makes us more open to persuasion…”? Gross. So is this what is meant by the ‘pace of modern life swinging in her favour’? The precious little time she has after having worked all day, done the ironing, and fed, washed and put kids to bed, is spent with her partner trying to shove coffee down her throat in an effort to make it even more about him?

Hang on, the phone’s ringing… It’s 1950 on the line *passes phone to Men’s Health*.


Men’s Health says:
Is foreplay focused mainly on her or you?

The most common complaint I hear is 'He doesn't engage in much foreplay' says Dr Diana Wiley from the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy. Yet according to a new survey carried out by lovestruck.com, in 58% of couples it's the woman who receives more attention during foreplay.

Shut up Dr Diana Wiley! What do you and your formal qualifications and the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy know about foreplay anyway? This dating website says you are wrong!

Men’s Health says:
RESTORE THE BALANCE
To make sure some of that is coming back your way, press your whole body against hers; whole body contact intensifies excitement and will turn her on to paying attention to your body. According to Wiley, giving her 17 minutes of foreplay is optimum to ensure that you hit her gratitude levels.

You’ll probably want to warn her you’re intending to pin her to the bed with your whole body weight before you do it otherwise, as soon as she can breathe again, her gratitude will be immediately forthcoming in the form of her running towards the nearest exit. As for 17 minutes, can we not at least round it up to an even 20…?


Men’s Health says:
Whose media tastes influence her expectations?

Carrie Bradshaw has a lot to answer for. 'Women have learned through the media to demand good sex' says Pennant. A study by the university of Michigan found reading women's magazines makes her more ‘sexually assertive'. Translation: more work for you.

GOD FORBID men should ever have to work at seducing a woman. Damn Sex And The City for filling women’s heads with all sorts of nonsense about sexual assertion and female agency. (Although let’s not forget that in the movie, Carrie ends up marrying a man who jilted her at the altar – positive depiction? Possibly not.)

And what about those interfering women’s magazines, twisting ladies' minds with all sorts of feminist shit about how sex should be good…? Well worry not because May’s issue of Cosmopolitan magazine carries the cover story, ‘Men’s sex secrets: Can you handle the truth?’.

See! Silly men, scared that women were only thinking of themselves. As Cosmopolitan says, it’s what men are thinking that’s important!

Men’s Health says:
RESTORE THE BALANCE
Ask her to watch pornography with you, by heading to erikalust.com, which specialises in girl friendly titles. 'The imagery can free couples up to think about what they would like to do', says Pennant.

Never mind whether she’s into porn in the first place. Don’t even bother to check, it’s not important. What’s important is that you get her to do what you want by asking her to watch things you think she ought to watch.

After all, I’m sure it would never had occurred to her to watch porn at all if you hadn’t suggested it!


Men’s Health says:
When you share fantasies, whose get played out more often?
'Dopamine the brain's chemical responsible for arousal needs novelty', says Wiley. Our survey revealed when fantasies are played out, in 68% of cases they're hers not yours.

Ahh, ‘novelty’. Women: be wary of doing too much of what you like and are comfortable with in the bedroom lest this should ever wear off.

Men’s Health says:
RESTORE THE BALANCE
Load up your laptop. If she's unsure about acting out your fantasy explore it through online forums or pornography to bring her round to the idea. Research by psychologist Robert Cialdini found that when people are unsure how to act, they're more likely to follow what they see to be the accepted social norm. God bless the internet.

‘See darling, loads of people are into Hentai tentacle porn, they’re all doing it. What are you worried about, are you frigid or something?’.



God bless the internet? Or, God save men’s print media?

New Bones Magazine Issue out now! Here's my article...

Link here.



There has always been an inherent tension between the law and artistic expression. One seeks to impose a mechanism of governing authority over society’s actions, i.e. make it do something; the other seeks, through the deliberate arrangement of symbolic elements, to provoke a visceral response, i.e. make it feel something. Historically, the way that art has always achieved this to best effect is by breaking with society’s conventions, overstepping the boundaries of decency or finding creative currency in the taboo.

But while art and crime have always been enthusiastic bedfellows – (if not outright shagging each another then definitely flirting inappropriately) - in this multi-media age, we find ourselves a long way from a time when the reddish pink earlobe of John Singer Sargent’s subject in Madame X; or even the more recent unmade Bed of Tracey Emin, was able to shock. Increasingly it seems to be more about the context than the content of a piece of art that determines whether it’s the wrong side of naughty.
Much more interesting than the fucking tired debate over whether graffiti is art or vandalism is the fact that it’s free; in both senses of the word; like, it costs nothing and is at liberty to go wherever it wants – usually illegal places like private property. Its meaning is as much to do with the illegal act of its creation as it is to do with its message. Most of the time if we want to see a movie for free, or get an album for free we have to commit a criminal act of piracy to do it. By committing criminal acts themselves, graffiti artists make it so that we can enjoy their art with impunity.

Would we have ever heard of Shelley or Byron were it not for the facilitating vices of opium and hookers? Would the Sex Pistols have simply turned out to be another Status Quo dad band if Sid hadn’t shanked Nancy? And it’s not just the artists that can be illegal either. Sometimes the art itself is the transgressor - Lady Chatterley’s Lover was a much better work of erotica when no one was allowed to read it – and sometimes art is the defence - from Izima Kaoru’s studies of rape and murder to the Chapman Brothers’ sexualisation of children. Art can provide a safe filter through which it’s possible to confront difficult subject matter.

The fact is, everything’s just more fun when it’s illicit, isn’t it? Food, sex, art, bootlegged tunes, shoplifted couture... When you’re breaking all the rules it’s worth remembering: when it comes to art, if it doesn’t feel wrong, you’re not doing it right.

New Issue of Bones Magazine...

...will be out soon. Meantime, here's a little tease:

5 Male Love Interests From Movies, Who Are Supposedly Desirable But Would Make Shit Boyfriends In Real Life

1. Big in Sex And The City
In case you're hazy on the whole 'standing you up on your wedding day and publicly humiliating you' thing; it's a deal breaker, FYI. Especially if his reason is that 'he didn't want to walk up the aisle in front of all those people'. What a fass. It's not as if, in the film, he didn't have, like, months and months to say to Carrie 'I'm not sure about this massive wedding actually'. Oh, but he didn't want to spoil her fun planning the big day, so he waited until she was at the altar and jilted her instead. Nice.


2. Michael Carrington in Grease 2
How creepy is this guy? He stalks Stephanie for months, finds out what she's into and then becomes all those things. Shudder. It's like, 'Hey, I wanted to know what kind of stuff you like so I went through your bins and saw that there were some pizza boxes in there so I've bought us some flights to Rome and I've changed my name by deed poll to Gianni da Vinci. Will you go out with me?'


3. Adrian Grenier's whiny, passive aggressive character in The Devil Wears Prada
Andy (Anne Hathaway), an aspiring writer, gets a shitty, entry level job at the biggest women's fashion magazine in the world. Her boyfriend, Nate, instead of being happy for her; instead of saying 'sure, your long hours suck but just get your head down, do it for a year by which time you'll have enough experience to leave and get a less shitty position on a proper newspaper'; instead of supporting her when she's so obviously being bullied by her boss, sulks passive aggressively throughout the movie, making digs about her clothes and appearance, and stone walling her.

The more glamorous she becomes, the more he dislikes her job because it means she's no longer the dowdy, geeky girl who's grateful to be going out with him. Jealous, spiteful, manipulative, yet he's considered her reward at the end of the film for doing what he wants by jacking in her passport to her career.

Luckily because it's the movies, she still manages to get the dream job at the end, but the dream man? Nope.


4. Nick Curran in Basic Instinct
In every sex scene, the time between first kiss to ejaculation is, on average, about 2 minutes. And Sharon Stone's character STILL falls in love with him? I guess psychopathic murdering women love premature ejaculators. The rest of us? Not so much.


5. Edward Cullen in Twilight
If you woke up in the middle of the night to find your boyfriend sitting in the corner of your bedroom watching you sleep, would you:

A. find it romantic?
B: shit yourself and apply for a restraining order?

The correct answer is B, by the way.

The A-Z of Corporate Wank

A is for Action
To ram the turgid square peg of a noun into the dry and chafing round hole of a verb resulting in an awkward mouthful and everyone involved wishing it hadn’t happened.
See also: ASAP

B is for Blue Sky Thinking
Rather than words comes the thought of high windows: 
The sun-comprehending glass,
And beyond it, the deep blue air, that shows 

Nothing, and is nowhere, and is endless.
Rather than words comes the thought of the last verse of Philip Larkin’s poem, with its description of space as being as vapid and meaningless as this phrase.
See also: Bottom out

C is for Cascading Information
Or you could, just, you know, tell people.
See also: Church (broad)

D is for Ducks in a Row
It’s as if the Mayor of WTF was visiting on the day corporate land said to itself, “What wouldn’t be obtuse or confusing at all is if we had a longer, more metaphorical way of saying ‘be ready’.”

E is for Envelope
Not the tangible paper ones that you stuff; no, I’m talking about the abstract conceptual ones that you ‘push’. Most people think this expression means to be at the vanguard of new and original ideas and practises, but they’re wrong. Actually the correct definition is: ‘To rehash the same tired shite that someone else did much better about five years ago’.
See also: End of play

F is for Fly it up the Flag Pole
I can think of another ‘F’ you can do to your flagpole. And you can ‘F’ off while you’re doing it too.
See also: Flesh out

G is for Going Forwards
Why use one word when you can use two? The word you’re looking for is ‘progress’ by the way, but your use of ‘going forwards’ demonstrates your distinct lack thereof. Back to 1986 with you!
See also: Granular

H is for Holistic
“You mean like knitting your own muesli, astrological homeopathy? It’s different, but I don’t NOT like it…”
“Oh, you meant doing TV AND online. Again.”

I is for Ideation
Let’s ideate with the lights off and then we can experientialise our cogitation in complete comfortability.
See also: Incentivise; Impactful

J is for Jargon
Jargon? Jog on.

K is for Keep Our Powder Dry
I get where this came from; like, if you were preparing to go into battle you wouldn’t want your gun powder all soggy, etc, etc. But bringing war analogies into the corporate world feels a little bit World of Warcraft-y. How paranoid are you anyway, Gandalf?
See also: KPIs

L is for Low Hanging Fruit
This expression always, always makes me think of men’s dangling ball bags; so I guess if you want people to think you’re talking bollocks, keep on using it.
See also: Leverage

M is for Myers Briggs
“Yah, I’m an INTJ type”
“Really? I would have said more like U-C-N-T”
See also: Managing expectations; Meeting room etiquette

N is for Niche
Exactly the same as mainstream but with a different logo and font.
See also: Net result

O is for Offline
‘Let’s take this offline’, or rather ‘Let’s talk about this in person rather than emailing each other from 3 feet away, because then I can say whatever negligent and offensive thing I like and no one can prove it’.
See also: Obfuscation

P is for Paradigm
When talking about the way things were then and the way things are now, using the word ‘paradigm’ makes those things sound important, even if they aren’t.
See also: Professionality

Q is for Qualitative
You can’t argue with Quantitative data – numbers are numbers. But calling something qualitative immediately lends legitimacy to whatever made up adducement you are trying to retro fit to your flimsy argument.

R is for Radar
A conceptual instrument used to measure the inverse relationship between an individual’s importance and the amount of time spent visible on it.

S is for Strategic
Invoked as a reason for doing something for no otherwise discernable reason.

T is for Touch Base
‘Base’ as in the lowest common denominator; sub-standard, below par, uncivilised? Because this is that. Besides, if I want you to touch my base, you’ll know.
See also: Topline

U is for Usage and Attitude
Otherwise asked daily by laymen of one another thusly; “Do you like it?”
See also: Understanding (gaining of)

V is for Video Conferencing
Also known as ‘pissing around with wires and ‘phone pods’ in a boardroom for 20 minutes while everyone stares at a frozen image of someone in an identical boardroom in another country before giving up and calling Phil the IT guy, who just patches you all onto a call and you’ll just have to send the powerpoint presentation over on email afterwards’.
See also: Verbalise

W is for Workflow
Or, to give it its proper name, ‘being busy’.

X is for X Communication
Ha, you sent me an email about that thing just as I was sending you an email about the same thing! I guess we should have a phrase for what just happened there to afford it more importance than it warrants huh?

Y is for Yes
What you should always say to everything, even if you mean no.
(NB: only applies to corporate wank, not sexual relations obvs)

Z is for Zero
Nothing. I got nothing for Z, but cut me some slack hey? I think I did pretty good with ‘X’, and what?

Thai Journalism Project

I got interviewed for some local newspaper in Scotland(?) about my time as a volunteer in Thailand. The full Q&A is up on the NGO's website here: http://www.kayavolunteer.com/testimonials/id/3

- Tell us about your experiences with Kaya (sign up process, preparation, etc)
I found it very straightforward and simple. The staff at Kaya were in regular communication with me and were very knowledgeable about Thailand's customs and culture. I felt very reassured by Kaya and able to put my trust in the fact that the whole process would be well organised and I would be well supported while I was out there.

The process of signing up was easy, and I had the freedom to book my own flights and have some flexibility with my arrival and departure dates, which was fantastic for me because I was on a round the world trip at the time.


- Tell us what made you choose that particular project/country?
I chose the journalism project in Chiang Mai, Thailand, because I am a freelance writer in my spare time back here in the UK. However, I still consider myself very much an amateur and wanted to get some proper journalistic experience, working for a news agency in a real newsroom, dealing with weighty subjects like drug trafficking in the Golden Triangle and Burmese politics. The fact that the project was in Thailand was great as I love Thailand and had visited before, but for me it was about the journalistic experience and I would have chosen to do that project regardless of where in the world it was based.


- Tell us about your experience in your accommodation (homestay)
I was a little bit apprehensive about the homestay. On the one hand I was really keen to have as authentic an experience as possible, but I was also anxious about whether they would like me and whether I'd like them. I like to have my own space when I'm at home and I was worried I might feel obliged to stand on ceremony. I also wasn't sure what to expect in terms of living standards - would there be a western style toilet? Could I have a hot shower? Etc...

As it turned out, all my fears were completely unfounded. My host family were lovely and very relaxed and laid back; which is truly the Thai way! Their house was very modern with flushing toilet (yay!), internet, TV, all the usual mod cons. Sharing their family life was a really enjoyable part of the experience. Despite being in a country where the culture is very different to the West, I found that there were many more similarities in our day-to-day lives than there were differences. We'd all eat together in the evening, sometimes I helped the daughters with their English homework, and then we'd watch terrible Thai soap operas on TV or head out to the mall or each do our separate things in our rooms. I felt very welcome and well looked after. Plus, my host mother was an amazing cook!


- Tell us about your role in your project.
At first I acted as a support to the English editor. She was a trainee journalist from Shan State in Burma and already had excellent written and spoken English, but was a little unsure about how to structure a story so that it had the biggest impact. I'd correct any spelling and grammatical errors and suggest ways we could structure the article so that it flowed better and was written in a simple enough way that laymen in the international community - who made up a large proportion of the readership - would be able to understand the very complex and arcane issues of Burmese politics.

During my time there I also slipped into a kind of consultative role. My background is in advertising and although I'd been viewing the trip as a career break, I ended up putting my advertising skills to use at the news agency, suggesting ways they could refresh their brand and communicate it through different digital and social networking channels so that it could build its presence as a media brand in the far east and the wider global community. We even went so far as to look at redesigning their logo! It was a lot of fun to be able to be so involved in all aspects of the agency.


- What were you most worried about before you came?
Apart from the apprehension about the homestay, I was worried that I might not have enough to do on my work placement - which proved to be far from the case. I was also a little worried about how I'd fill my free time; what would I do with myself at the weekends for example? But the project support staff on the ground were fantastic at organising weekend trips and activities with other volunteers, so I got to spend time with other people who were going through a similar experience and I found that was very helpful.


- What have you been surprised by during your stay?
I suppose by how at home I felt, how I managed to rise to the challenge in ways I didn't expect that I would, how similar we all are really despite the surface cultural differences.


- What has been the highlight of your trip?
It feels obvious to say it but there were so many highlights: getting to know my host family, building friendships with my colleagues, being able to haggle with tuk tuk drivers in pidgin Thai, getting up at 5.30am to go and give alms to the monks outside the temple... One thing that definitely stands out for me though was swimming with elephants at the Thai elephant home. That was really special.


- What has been a volunteer mean to you (versus just visiting as a tourist)?
Thailand's biggest industry is tourism so as a tourist a lot of what you experience will have been contrived to impress and entertain you. You'll still have a fantastic time but it won't be a truly authentic experience of the country and its people. What I liked about volunteering was being able to go behind the scenes as it were and meet people from different backgrounds and put myself in situations where I could get a taste of what it was like to really live and work in Thailand. As part of research for articles, I attended lectures on Burmese politics at Chiang Mai university - something I would NEVER have been able to do if I were just there as a tourist.

All of my colleagues in the newsroom had come over the border from Shan State and were living under a beaurocratic kind of limbo which meant they couldn't move freely around the country and had to stay in Chiang Mai. It was fascinating to get an insight into their community and to learn about their lives in Burma and hear first hand about the struggles of the ethnic people there.


- How has this experience affected you?
On a personal level I'm really proud of myself for having done it because I was very, very nervous about it before I left and nearly chickened out loads of times. I'm also proud of the work I did at the news agency; the articles that were published and the branding and strategy document I produced for them. I've made some good friends whom I have remained in touch with and I feel now that Chiang Mai is a bit of a second home. Every now and again I'll think 'Oh I'll pop into that shop on the way home', or 'Maybe I'll go to that restaurant this weekend', and then I'll remember that I'm in the UK and that restaurant is about 8000 miles away! I feel like my homestay and the news agency are just up the road.


- Do you think this experience will influence you in your job back at home?
It's definitely helped improve my writing and I think the whole experience has been valuable in terms of my CV. I deliberately chose a project that was going have some application to my career. Tempting as it was to sign up to look after elephants, I felt like if I was going to go all that way and spend all that money and length of time staying there, I should get some useful practicable skills out of it.

Having said that, now that I've done the vocational thing, next time I am definitely signing up for the elephants!


- What would you say to to others thinking about taking part in a volunteer project?
Be prepared to work hard and choose a project that you think you will enjoy, not one you feel you 'ought' to do. Go into the experience with an open mind and remember that you're there to help so be proactive about getting involved. Do your research before you leave too. Understand the local customs, some aspects of your host country's cultural practises may be slightly at odds with your own norms and beliefs, so it's important you reconcile that before you go so that you aren't shocked or upset by anything while you're there. Be respectful.


- Do you think your work experience was useful to you on your project?
Do you mean was my work experience from my job in the UK useful to the project in Thailand? If so then, yes definitely. I'd written for different publications in the UK before, so I already had some knowledge about how to write a punchy headline and research a feature. I didn't expect that there would be any need for me to draw on my advertising background but in the end, that was the thing I ended up doing the most of!


- Any other comments

Hope my ramblings will be of some use :)

Drum and Bass cliches

This appeared on my blog on www.kmag.co.uk/blogs/rinse_and_repeat in April last year...

While everyone knows clichés become clichés because they're true, each scene has its own set of signs and signifiers that have become a shorthand way to describe what it's all about.

Better drum & bass's overuse of the colon and scientific label names, than trance's stupid hippy drug references. Did I say stupid? I guess I meant 'stuck in the 90s'. Whatever, I digress. See if you agree with the following and feel free to post your own suggestions below...

The Colon
OK, Soul:r get a pass because they got in there kind of early with this, but from now on can everyone please try and exercise a modicum of restraint when it comes to redundant punctuation marks? Thank:you.
See also: Exclamation marks on flyers.

Tiny Labels With Grandiose Pretentions
Really? You're calling your label Synesthetic Systems? Are you a neuro surgeon? Some kind of cult? A division of Microsoft? No, you're in your bedroom at your parents' house, using their BT Broadband connection. Good for you for having big ambitions but it takes more than a fancy name, kids. Richard Branson called his start-up label Virgin – not exactly a great endorsement of his prowess but it worked.
See also: Starting your own label because no one will release your tunes because they're not actually that good.

Rewinds
I actually like rewinds. It's kind of the DJ equivalent of that thing you do where you listen to your latest favourite tune on repeat for about a week until you are sick of it. Which is why just the one rewind is enough thanks.
See also: Teasing 'The Nine' over anything

Anyone Just Getting Into Drum & Bass For The First Time Believing That It's Only Been Good Since They Started Listening To It And Has Never Been That Good Before Nor Will It Be As Good In The Future
That, basically.
See also: Everything since 1998 being shit

Inside The Ride
If by 'Inside' you mean 'bored of' and by 'The Ride' you mean 'the same tired metaphor used to describe a DJ's set', then I am that.
See also: 'Keep it locked'

'Crews'
All from roughly the same part of the country? Check. All got lighters? Check. Whistles? Check. Ever going to see each other again after tonight...? Not really a crew then are you?
See also: Post suggestions for the proper collective noun for a bunch of whistle blowing, lighter-waving ravers in the comments below...

Hyperbolic Press Releases
"The very first time I:U:D's latest tune, 'Attic Conversion' was played out, everyone on the dance floor literally started orgasming. The bassline is so heavy that coma victims in a nearby Shrewsbury hospital woke up and started raving in their intensive care beds. Intense indeed...!"
See also: Misspelled adjectives

Making content out of forum posts
Could you be a bit more meta, please? Why don't you just hit 'print screen' and then photocopy it, take a photograph of the photocopy, scan it in, put the jpeg on flickr and then make a blog post about it? Content that's just an aggregation of other people's content isn't really content is it? And is it even a cliché? You might think not, but I was recently working on this TV ad where they wanted to use The Prodigy's 'Firestarter' as the backing track. The publisher wanted £987,654,321 to use it because there are 40 samples in it. 40 samples, people. Just sayin'...

The A-Z of Break Ups

I wrote this piece for Platform about a year ago but they never published it in the end, so I'm putting it here...


A is for Arguments.
Everyone has arguments, duh. Not every argument means your relationship is shitty as long as you make up afterwards and genuinely agree to put it behind you and never bring it up in anybody's face in the future. If you can't manage to do this then the argument is never really over.
Each time you fall out over something and then someone brings up something someone said during the previous fight, you are essentially having the same argument. Over and over again. It's good to clear the air, not pollute it with grudges. If you're breathing polluted air more than you're breathing clean air, then that is shitty.
See also: Anger issues, Anxiety

B is for Blame.
Everything your fault? Of course it is, you're in a shitty relationship.
See also: Beating you up, Blanking you

C is for Cheating.
I don't mean the obvious kind of cheating like sleeping with someone behind your back, which is indisputably shitty, but I mean cheating like breaking the rules. The rules, in case you're a bit hazy are: Not sleeping with other people; not continuing to sleep with someone if you don't want to go out with them any more; not leading people on and giving them false hope; not lying about your true feelings.
See also: Callousness, Crying, Cowardice

D is for Dignity.
A shitty relationship can rob you of yours so try and take as much with you when you leave. If you ever find yourself saying 'I'll do anything, just please don't go', then your relationship is already about 3 months past its sell-by date.
See also: Dumped

E is for Escalation.
Jesus Christ! Can you not just fold the plastic bag inside the cereal box over when you're done so that it doesn't go soggy? Can you not just make a perfectly reasonable request without it turning into a litany of every-fucking-thing that's wrong with you as a human being? No? Then welcome to shitty relationship-ville, population; you.
See also: Evasion, Eggshells (walking on).

F is for Fear.
If you are scared of your partner for any reason, whether it's that they're going to give you another black eye for getting home from work late, or that they're going to give you the silent treatment for three days if you put EastEnders on, it's time to get the hell out of dodge.
See also: Feigning interest, Fucking other people.

G is for Game Playing
I love you. I don't love you. I want to be with you. We'll never workout. I bought you a present. I care about you but don't want to see you. When can I see you? Don't ever speak to me again. How are you? I'm not seeing anyone else. I'm seeing someone else...
That is game playing, only in these games the players have NO balls.
See also: Grimacing when you hug them, Getting undressed in the dark.

H is for Hurt.
Physically hurting someone is dangerous and illegal. Unfortunately inflicting mental and emotional pain on another is not illegal and as a victim you have no redress other than to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, be strong and try and heal yourself as quickly as you can.
See also: Hating your friends.

I is for I Love You.
Haven't heard that in the past few months? It's probably because they don't any more.
See also: Intimacy (lack of), Irritability.

J is for Joking.
Joking is the ultimate defence mechanism. Humour, the perfect diversion tactic. Mirth the ideal mask. Of course things are ok as long as you two keep laughing, right? But wait... when was the last time either of you said anything meaningful? Does them pretending to do a poo in the kitchen drawer while you're on the phone to your dad count? Ummmm, no.
See also: Jealousy.

K is for Kissing.
They can swing you from the chandelier, grease you up, throw you round the bedroom six ways til Saturday but if they can't look you in the eye or kiss you, then you're not making love, you are getting screwed over.
See also: Kicking you out, Knocking your confidence.

L is for Lying.
Lying to you, lying to themselves, making you lie because you know that the truth, however innocuous, will spark a row... The truth is, there's no way back from a lie.
See also: Leaving you.

M is for Money.
In any relationship the issue of money is a ticking time bomb ready to go off. The only way to avoid any pecuniary rows is to split everything 50/50 or take turns paying for stuff. Unless you do that someone is always going to think they're getting shafted, even if they pay for all the dinners and you pay for all the holidays.
See also: Missing birthdays and anniversaries, Misery.

N is for Not Saying Sorry
If you never say sorry for anything, even if you know you are in the wrong, that is shitty. Witholding a 'sorry' is an attempt to hog power; it's like people who say 'this conversation is over' without explaining why. Saying sorry means that you are humble enough to acknowledge your fallibility and recognise when you're being an asshole. If you can't bring yourself to admit these universally human traits then what are you, a psychopath?
See also: Not caring, Neediness, Nicknames (demeaning or undermining)

O is for Other People
If you want to see other people, that's cool. Hey, it's a big sea out there with a lot of fish in it, just remember to finish your relationship first before you dive in. It's only polite.
See also: Orgasms (faking)

P is for Personal Attacks
Sure it's fine to ask someone to keep their mouth closed while they're eating or not fart or belch in front of you, but when you want them to change things about themselves that are out of their control, that's just cruel. So things like telling someone you don't like the size of their nose, or that you hate the way they laugh or how their teeth stick out a bit, is shitty. And you are a shitty person for saying those things and your relationship is shitty because of it.
See also: Promises (broken ones), Power games

Q is for Quoting Other People As Weaponry
It's never fair or constructive to tell people that other people have been saying bad things about them behind their back. Even if the criticism was justified, telling someone they're being talked about in a negative light won't correct their behaviour, it will just make them feel paranoid and insecure. Using other people's bitching as back-up during an argument is basically playground tactics, he said/she said bullying. Does your dad still give you pocket money too?
See also: Quiet on the phone

R is for Respect
You don't have to be in love with someone to show them respect. If you don't want to be in a relationship with somebody anymore that is not carte blanche to stop giving a shit about their feelings and only think about yourself.
See also: Reading your emails

S is for Sex
If you're not having any, you're pretty much done I reckon.
See also: Settling, Shitting on your doorstep (figuratively)

T is for Temper
There is no one more consistently, disappointingly predictable than a person with a short fuse. Seeing someone completely lose it is not a pretty sight. Calling people 'cunts', betraying latent racism while shouting at taxi drivers, and hanging up on call centre operators are all sure fire ways to undermine whatever point there might have been to your outburst and make you look totally insecure and out of control.
See also: Treating their friends like shit, Taking liberties

U is for Universe Revolving Around Them
When they talk about their plans for the future, do you feature at all? Do they even ask your opinion or what you want to do? Is it assumed that you'll either come along for their ride or fuck off out of the picture at some point? If so, you know what I'm going to say.
See also: Any positive adjective you can prefix with 'Un'.

V is for Verbal Abuse
Using language to belittle, humiliate, isolate, denegrate, undermine or threaten. That includes body snarking, setting impossibly unrealistic standards and enforcing unfair expectations. As well as outright shouting swear words.
See also: Victimisation, Villification

W is for Wasting time
By flogging a dead horse.
See also: Walking all over you.

X is for eX
If you've read this far and have been nodding your head all the way through then you need to make them this.
See also: XX, XY

Y is for Yesterday
Did all your troubles seem so far away? Are you hanging on because of that first year when everything was great, despite the fact that the intervening 6 years have been a catalogue of uncomfortable silences, strained conversations and platitudinous telephone calls in high pitched voices?
Stop living in the past. Today, your relationship is shitty.
See also: Yes meaning no.

Z is for Zero
What you're left with. When you add up all of the above.

The A-Z of Death

This piece was published by www.dontpaniconline.com back in September 2007 but I can't find the link so you'll have to take my word for it...


A IS FOR ALCOHOLISM
This is what killed my mum; liver failure. She drank herself to death over a period of almost 20 years and there was nothing she, or anyone else could do to stop her. If you're one of those people that think alcoholics bring it on themselves, or deserve to die, or shouldn't waste NHS money, or whatever; then you are pretty ignorant. You might as well go shout at a schizophrenic to snap out of it and stop hallucinating. Alcoholism is a mental illness – as is most addiction – and no one knows how to cure it. It is also a really efficient way of ruining lives and families. All in all, it's a proper barrel of laughs.

B IS FOR BREATHING
When my mum stopped breathing on her own and had to rely on the ventilator, we all pretty much knew it was game over. But I'm not talking about her breathing, I'm talking about mine. Since she died I haven't been able to breathe properly, and I can't take a full breath or yawn. The muscles in my chest feel really tight, like I'm so bunched up with nerves I can't relax enough to let my lungs fill with enough air. My GP says it's to do with anxiety, which is understandable, but I hope it stops soon; it's really annoying.

C IS FOR CRYING
I've done a lot of this over the past few weeks. When you're riding the crazy roller coaster of emotions that is the grieving process, it helps to have a big cry every now and then. It's like puking and getting all the bad stuff out, and you always feel a little bit better afterwards. I don't mean any of that silent weeping while staring out to the horizon bullshit either. I'm talking about on your hands and knees on the bathroom floor, heaving dry sobs while your heart feels like it's going to come out of your mouth. You need to drink lots of water too, to keep it up for any length of time.

D IS FOR DENIAL
Not only is denial the thing that ultimately killed my mum, it is also the thing that will fuck with your head the most. In the few days after she died, we had to keep reminding ourselves that it had actually happened. Like, our brains had taken in the information, filed it away in a box labelled 'Later', and drip-fed it into our consciousness at a slow pace, so that the realisation dawned on us gradually at a rate we could handle. Nice of the brain to be so considerate, but it really weirds you out when you're in the middle of brushing your teeth and suddenly you're all 'Whoa. I'm never going to hear her voice again'. That stuff can really spoil your day.

E IS FOR EMOTION
As if I need to spell it out.

F IS FOR FUTURE
It's really hard in the first few days after the death to imagine ever being interested in anything ever again. But in your more lucid moments, it helps to think about the future and try to mentally fast forward to a years' time, when all of it won't be so raw and shitty and we'll all be coping with things better. It gives you hope.

G IS FOR GOODBYE
I didn't want to stand at the bedside and watch my mum die, so I told my family I would go in to see her on my own and say what I wanted to say and then go outside until it had happened. For some reason they all wanted to be there, which I thought was unnecessarily morbid, but whatever, that's up to them. Anyway, I went in to see her and she was lying there with a tube down her throat and wires all over the place. It felt like I was someone else, like a character on Casualty. Honestly, the whole thing was so surreal, when I look back on it, I still can't believe it was actually me pressing my forehead against hers and whispering 'I love you I love you I love you' over and over again.

H IS FOR HOSPITAL
Mum was in hospital on average of once a year for at least the past 7 years. I have spent way too much time in them and I can safely say that they properly suck. Ill people are gross. Do I really need to see an octogenarian vomiting on himself at 11am on a Saturday morning? And hey, woman in the bed in the next ward, stop rattling phlegm round your larynx like an espresso machine with cancer. We get it, you're ill. Fuck those places are depressing.

I IS FOR INTENSIVE CARE
This is where mum died. All the patients here are too sick to make noises, so they lie there in comas like those people in the Matrix in the pods with those things plugged into their backs. The only sounds are bleeping machines and nurses' whispers, and it smells like gravy and piss.

J IS FOR JOKE
Like I said earlier, mum's death didn't feel like it had really happened. I half believed that someone was going to call and say that it had been a mistake. The idea that she was permanently gone was so absurd it was laughable. The night she died, we came back home and I was sitting on the sofa thinking about her dying and I wanted to laugh. In fact I had to leave the room because I was worried my dad would notice and get upset. So I decamped to the bathroom and began to laugh like a maniac on heroin. You know like you see in films when people are in shock? The laughter quickly subsided into hysterical sobs though, and I was soon back on my hands and knees on the floor watching my snot drip onto the lino.

K IS FOR KETONES
When the liver and kidneys can't flush out your blood properly, the toxins build up and you can smell them on the patient's breath. These toxins on the breath are called ketones, and they're gross. People on the Atkins diet get them too, because all the protein they eat overloads the kidneys making them unable to do their job properly. Ketones smell kind of like TCP and shit, I still get whiffs of it now, all these weeks later. To me they smell like death.

L IS FOR LIFE
When no one's died, the old life and death clichés can seem, well, clichéd. When your mum has died, you hold onto those clichés like a man dangling over a precipice holds onto the edge. Life goes on, life goes on, life goes on. You need to believe this, otherwise in a year's time you will still be sitting in your pyjamas at 4pm with the curtains drawn, watching the repeat of Jeremy Kyle on ITV2 that you already saw that morning (I actually did this for about a week after mum died before I finally pulled my shit together).

M IS FOR MOURNING
The word 'mourning' conjures up images of Victorian widows in black, leering at the gardener through their veils. It's kind of an archaic word, but it best describes the state we're all in at the moment. Not just an immediate state either, but rather a state of mind that we'll probably remain in forever, to a greater or lesser extent.

N IS FOR NOTHING
Literally. I can't think of anything for 'N'.

O IS FOR OPERATION
We were all like, 'If her liver's fucked, surely you can operate and she can have some of mine or something?', and the doctors were all 'Sorry, it doesn't work that way'. In a situation like that, you truly put all the power of the world in the hands of those doctors. They might as well be God at that moment in time. In fact, I'm switching 'Operation' for 'Omnipotence'.

P IS FOR PAIN
There is a pain in my chest where my heart is. I don't think it will ever go away, and I kind of don't want it to.

Q IS FOR QUICK
Once she'd started to go, it all happened really quickly. Like, hours. It was the best way really. I think I'd have lost my mind if it had dragged on into the following day. Then that would have been a euthanasia situation. Seriously.

R IS FOR RELATIVES
I love my family, but I don't spend an inordinate amount of time with them. I'm close to my dad and my brother, but as far as the extended family goes; we all live quite disparate lives and normally only see each other at Christmas and weddings. OH MY GOD have I seen a lot of them over the past few weeks. As soon as it happened, they all arrived en masse, closed ranks, and set up camp in my dad's living room. Relatives rule.

S IS FOR SPOOKY
Check this out. My mum had a mobile phone that she never learned how to use properly and she was forever ringing me from her handbag and leaving answer phone messages that was all background noise and bag jangling. On the second night after she died, I was getting ready for bed and my phone started ringing. I was pissed off because it was 1 in the morning, and even though time held little relevance at that point, it was still too late for people to be ringing me. Snatching up my phone in anger I looked at the screen and saw 'Mum' flashing away above her number. I was scared to answer it in case she might actually be on the other end, so I shouted for my dad and my brother who came running in and were stopped in their tracks when they saw she was calling me. So they went upstairs to find her mobile and switch it off. They weren't sure where it was until they heard a ringing coming from the drawer in her bedside table. Her phone had started ringing too. That's pretty fucking weird, right?

T IS FOR TIME
Time flies, travels and heals. I'm hoping it will be really effective at doing the latter.

U IS FOR UNDERTAKER
How do those guys do it? Seriously. It's got to be one of the most miserable jobs in the world. If I were an undertaker, I'd probably kill myself. And then I'd have to be buried by undertakers, and that thought is just so depressing I might have to stop writing this, get out of bed and go downstairs for a cigarette.

V IS FOR VERBOSITY
Wow, I have talked the most shit I have ever talked in my entire life over the past few weeks. Life, death, why, how, where, etc. Take this A-Z for example. I have uncontrollable verbal diaorrhea at the moment. I feel sorry for anyone who has to talk to me.

W IS FOR WAITING
You can't hurry grief up. There's no point where you're like 'OK, that's over, I'm done with that now!'. You just have to wait.

X IS FOR X-RAY
My mum had one of these when she was in hospital. It was either that or 'xylophone', which would have been totally irrelevant.

Y IS FOR YESTERDAY
Each day I get through without my mum is progress towards a time when I won't feel so shit. Wow, maybe I'll go and film myself crying in front of a mirror and put it on youtube (another ‘Y’).

Z IS FOR ZOOLOGY
My mum studied zoology as part of her degree. She always said she wanted to go and do conservation work in Africa, but she never made it out there. When I think of her now I picture her in Africa, surrounded by zebras, and she's beautiful, and happy.