The A-Z of Break Ups

I wrote this piece for Platform about a year ago but they never published it in the end, so I'm putting it here...


A is for Arguments.
Everyone has arguments, duh. Not every argument means your relationship is shitty as long as you make up afterwards and genuinely agree to put it behind you and never bring it up in anybody's face in the future. If you can't manage to do this then the argument is never really over.
Each time you fall out over something and then someone brings up something someone said during the previous fight, you are essentially having the same argument. Over and over again. It's good to clear the air, not pollute it with grudges. If you're breathing polluted air more than you're breathing clean air, then that is shitty.
See also: Anger issues, Anxiety

B is for Blame.
Everything your fault? Of course it is, you're in a shitty relationship.
See also: Beating you up, Blanking you

C is for Cheating.
I don't mean the obvious kind of cheating like sleeping with someone behind your back, which is indisputably shitty, but I mean cheating like breaking the rules. The rules, in case you're a bit hazy are: Not sleeping with other people; not continuing to sleep with someone if you don't want to go out with them any more; not leading people on and giving them false hope; not lying about your true feelings.
See also: Callousness, Crying, Cowardice

D is for Dignity.
A shitty relationship can rob you of yours so try and take as much with you when you leave. If you ever find yourself saying 'I'll do anything, just please don't go', then your relationship is already about 3 months past its sell-by date.
See also: Dumped

E is for Escalation.
Jesus Christ! Can you not just fold the plastic bag inside the cereal box over when you're done so that it doesn't go soggy? Can you not just make a perfectly reasonable request without it turning into a litany of every-fucking-thing that's wrong with you as a human being? No? Then welcome to shitty relationship-ville, population; you.
See also: Evasion, Eggshells (walking on).

F is for Fear.
If you are scared of your partner for any reason, whether it's that they're going to give you another black eye for getting home from work late, or that they're going to give you the silent treatment for three days if you put EastEnders on, it's time to get the hell out of dodge.
See also: Feigning interest, Fucking other people.

G is for Game Playing
I love you. I don't love you. I want to be with you. We'll never workout. I bought you a present. I care about you but don't want to see you. When can I see you? Don't ever speak to me again. How are you? I'm not seeing anyone else. I'm seeing someone else...
That is game playing, only in these games the players have NO balls.
See also: Grimacing when you hug them, Getting undressed in the dark.

H is for Hurt.
Physically hurting someone is dangerous and illegal. Unfortunately inflicting mental and emotional pain on another is not illegal and as a victim you have no redress other than to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, be strong and try and heal yourself as quickly as you can.
See also: Hating your friends.

I is for I Love You.
Haven't heard that in the past few months? It's probably because they don't any more.
See also: Intimacy (lack of), Irritability.

J is for Joking.
Joking is the ultimate defence mechanism. Humour, the perfect diversion tactic. Mirth the ideal mask. Of course things are ok as long as you two keep laughing, right? But wait... when was the last time either of you said anything meaningful? Does them pretending to do a poo in the kitchen drawer while you're on the phone to your dad count? Ummmm, no.
See also: Jealousy.

K is for Kissing.
They can swing you from the chandelier, grease you up, throw you round the bedroom six ways til Saturday but if they can't look you in the eye or kiss you, then you're not making love, you are getting screwed over.
See also: Kicking you out, Knocking your confidence.

L is for Lying.
Lying to you, lying to themselves, making you lie because you know that the truth, however innocuous, will spark a row... The truth is, there's no way back from a lie.
See also: Leaving you.

M is for Money.
In any relationship the issue of money is a ticking time bomb ready to go off. The only way to avoid any pecuniary rows is to split everything 50/50 or take turns paying for stuff. Unless you do that someone is always going to think they're getting shafted, even if they pay for all the dinners and you pay for all the holidays.
See also: Missing birthdays and anniversaries, Misery.

N is for Not Saying Sorry
If you never say sorry for anything, even if you know you are in the wrong, that is shitty. Witholding a 'sorry' is an attempt to hog power; it's like people who say 'this conversation is over' without explaining why. Saying sorry means that you are humble enough to acknowledge your fallibility and recognise when you're being an asshole. If you can't bring yourself to admit these universally human traits then what are you, a psychopath?
See also: Not caring, Neediness, Nicknames (demeaning or undermining)

O is for Other People
If you want to see other people, that's cool. Hey, it's a big sea out there with a lot of fish in it, just remember to finish your relationship first before you dive in. It's only polite.
See also: Orgasms (faking)

P is for Personal Attacks
Sure it's fine to ask someone to keep their mouth closed while they're eating or not fart or belch in front of you, but when you want them to change things about themselves that are out of their control, that's just cruel. So things like telling someone you don't like the size of their nose, or that you hate the way they laugh or how their teeth stick out a bit, is shitty. And you are a shitty person for saying those things and your relationship is shitty because of it.
See also: Promises (broken ones), Power games

Q is for Quoting Other People As Weaponry
It's never fair or constructive to tell people that other people have been saying bad things about them behind their back. Even if the criticism was justified, telling someone they're being talked about in a negative light won't correct their behaviour, it will just make them feel paranoid and insecure. Using other people's bitching as back-up during an argument is basically playground tactics, he said/she said bullying. Does your dad still give you pocket money too?
See also: Quiet on the phone

R is for Respect
You don't have to be in love with someone to show them respect. If you don't want to be in a relationship with somebody anymore that is not carte blanche to stop giving a shit about their feelings and only think about yourself.
See also: Reading your emails

S is for Sex
If you're not having any, you're pretty much done I reckon.
See also: Settling, Shitting on your doorstep (figuratively)

T is for Temper
There is no one more consistently, disappointingly predictable than a person with a short fuse. Seeing someone completely lose it is not a pretty sight. Calling people 'cunts', betraying latent racism while shouting at taxi drivers, and hanging up on call centre operators are all sure fire ways to undermine whatever point there might have been to your outburst and make you look totally insecure and out of control.
See also: Treating their friends like shit, Taking liberties

U is for Universe Revolving Around Them
When they talk about their plans for the future, do you feature at all? Do they even ask your opinion or what you want to do? Is it assumed that you'll either come along for their ride or fuck off out of the picture at some point? If so, you know what I'm going to say.
See also: Any positive adjective you can prefix with 'Un'.

V is for Verbal Abuse
Using language to belittle, humiliate, isolate, denegrate, undermine or threaten. That includes body snarking, setting impossibly unrealistic standards and enforcing unfair expectations. As well as outright shouting swear words.
See also: Victimisation, Villification

W is for Wasting time
By flogging a dead horse.
See also: Walking all over you.

X is for eX
If you've read this far and have been nodding your head all the way through then you need to make them this.
See also: XX, XY

Y is for Yesterday
Did all your troubles seem so far away? Are you hanging on because of that first year when everything was great, despite the fact that the intervening 6 years have been a catalogue of uncomfortable silences, strained conversations and platitudinous telephone calls in high pitched voices?
Stop living in the past. Today, your relationship is shitty.
See also: Yes meaning no.

Z is for Zero
What you're left with. When you add up all of the above.